Episode 1 opens with Donald Trump — I shit you not.
Sarah Paulson starts screaming as soon as Trump wins the election and I get a feeling she is just warming those vocal cords up. She plays a character called Ally who has been lumped with every phobia in the book including that one that isn’t really a phobia according to doctors but is according to the interwebs, so it has to totally be real: Trypophobia. For those that had no idea until AHS Cult started doing their trailers for this season, trypophobia is the fear of holes. Among other things, she also has a fear of clowns, which is how Twisty winds up in AHS Cult even though I pretty sure there isn’t a cult anywhere who is okay with clowns. Except Twisty isn’t really there, he’s just in a comic book and I am wondering if the show has just revealed AHS Freak Show was make-believe.So, Ally is freaking out all over the place, seeing clowns having sex in the supermarket and making her crash her car after her son, Oz (Cooper Dodson), reads the aforementioned Twisty comic and shows her. As a result, Ally’s wife, Ivy (Alison Pill), is ready to pull the pin on their marriage, and, really, who can blame her, because Ally is fucking batshit crazy. But, besides that, she is annoying as hell. Meanwhile, Evan Peters is playing a character called Kai who is pro-Trump. I hate him so much already. In fact, besides the creepy little Oz, I pretty much can’t stand anyone in Cult so far. Kai is crazy too, but, in all fairness, smearing Cheetos on your face to look like Trump is kinda funny.
This. Is. The. Only. Appealing. Bit. Of. The Episode.
Kai also has a lady-friend called Winter (Billie Lourd). She’s pro-Clinton. Or, so she says. I’m pretty sure she’s actually a psychopath. Somehow she manages to end up the babysitter for Oz and makes him look at people being murdered to desensitize him. #WorstBabysitterEver
While Ally is legitimately losing her mind (SPOILER ALERT: those clowns having sex in the supermarket weren’t real), Oz sneaks in at the end and takes the cake. While #WorstBabysitterEver is watching him, an ice-cream van pulls up and the crazy clowns Ally thought she saw in the supermarket make another appearance. This time they murder the neighbours. The same neighbours Kai had threatened earlier and his girlfriend now conveniently works across the road from. Hmmm… nothing to see here, I’m sure.Except, that’s not real either according to #WorstBabysitterEver. But maybe that’s just because she totally hoisted Oz up to the window to check out the neighbour’s screams.
But, then the cops on the scene say it is likely a murder-suicide and I am scratching my head and trying to work out if I even care enough to wonder about this.
Episode 1 concludes with Sarah Paulson screaming. Because: clowns.
The Stupid Shit Meter
Oh yes, the stupid shit meter is back!
- Cult: I actually don’t get it. All I see is fucking clowns and crazy people. FX you need to pull your motherfucking socks up and work out where you’re going with your shit this season, ya hear?
- Look, I know AHS uses subtly like others use a sledgehammer, but, seriously, how many fucking clowns do we really need? “Ivy, did you hear that?” Clown appears. *Sarah Paulson screams* The End. Thank god it’s over already.
[Image via FX]