Regardless, here’s my recap of Chapter 8 of American Horror Story: Roanoke.
TL;DR: Not enough people die, another character appears at the end. There is absolutely no reason for this episode other than to compete with other B-grade movies you would rather be watching.
ALSO: I apologise for the shitty screen captures this week. I blame FX for going all Blair Witch on our arses.
CF: The video on this episode was like something I’d shot on my old camera phone, at night, while returning from my favorite restaurant drunk on my ass. Man, it was pissing me off.
RT: Visually, I usually adore American Horror Story. I can ignore all the plot holes because everything is so beautifully presented. Roanoke has killed it for me on all levels now.
CF: So much of the night filming in the early part season was done to try to make things look spooky, but instead it just made everything look murky and dark. Yeah, American Horror Story really blew it this season–in more ways than one.
So Dominic (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) is losing his shit in Episode 8 of American Horror Story: Roanoke because he saw Agnes (Kathy Bates) get killed and shit just got too real for him. He was supposed to be a star goddammit! Shelby (Lily Rabe), on the other hand, is fluctuating between, “Let’s escape,” and “Oh no, I killed Matt.” During this time, they try to escape the house via the tunnel and meet up with a house full of ghosts. So they backtrack and waste half an hour of my time before Shelby decides to slit her own throat rather than be a part of American Horror Story: Roanoke any longer.
CF: When the ghost came down the tunnel like they’d been ripped off straight from a Japanese horror movie, this is where I started losing interest in the episode–oh wait! This was during the teaser! Right at the beginning of the episode! Wow, so I started losing interest in this episode as soon as it came on. What a fucking surprise! At least Shelby had right idea and slit her throat so she could get out of the shit.
RT: I am so envious of Shelby right now.
CF: That should be their new tagline: “You Will Envy the Dead.”Meanwhile, over at the Polks, Lee (Adina Porter) is trying anything she can to sweet talk one of the Polk boys in order to escape. Finally, she has resort to sexual favours to escape. But not before she makes a confessional video to her daughter about how she killed Mason (Charles Malik), and that might be the reason she wants to return to the Polk farm and retrieve it. Although she wraps it all up in a package that doesn’t incriminate herself when she is selling the return idea to Audrey (Sarah Paulson) later on.
Speaking of Audrey, she survives this episode, unfortunately. But she does lose a tooth and blubbers an awful lot. She manages to still play it up for the cameras though, in a way that makes me want to kill her myself. Lee helps Audrey escape the Polks, but Monet manages to get herself free and does exactly what I would do if I were her and stuck in Roanoke with these characters: run. She doesn’t stop to help Audrey or do a confessional video like every other characters seems to do in this episode of American Horror Story, she just runs the fuck outta the joint. The Polks head right on out after her, but at least she gave it a shot.
CF: Yeah, I love that when Monet got free she was like, “See you around, bitch!” and just zoomed the fuck out of there. Later, motherfuckers! Of course, she runs the only way through the woods that she can run, which is to say the Polks have no trouble finding her. Here’s a hint: when are trying to get away from murderous, cannibalistic hillbillies, maybe you should turn your fucking phone off so no one can see its light and find your fucking ass! Holy Christ, I was losing my shit at this point.
RT: The stupid is so strong it shines through even when good ideas are had.So, that means Lee, Audrey and Dominic are the only ones left in the house. Oh, did I forget to mention Lee and Audrey return to the house rather then getting the fuck out of Roanoke? Yeah, I figured you would know they wouldn’t be able to help themselves and do the stupid that they do so well.
Dominic is caught trying to talk to Sidney (Cheyenne Jackson) when Lee and Audrey return. They explain that Sidney is dead and Dominic explains how Matt and Shelby died. Except he still has Shelby’s knife in his hand, so Lee thinks he killed them. They lock him out of the bedroom where the Pig Man promptly makes bacon out of him. Audrey and Lee give zero fucks, deciding to get get some shut eye instead.
In the morning, having miraculously surviving the night, they go to leave the house, making the comment that they will be safe during the day.
They open the front door. Surprise! It’s the Pig Man.Immediately they start beating the shit out of him. But, hey, wait up a minute, that’s just the actor who played Ambrose White (Wes Bentley) with a pig’s head on. I kind of wished they would go back to beating on him…
CF: It would’ve been pretty hilarious watching Wes Bentley getting beat over the head with a hammer and a crowbar for two or three minutes. Actually, it would’ve been the most entertaining part of this fucking shit show. Can we just have that for all of Episode 9?
RT: If someone could just put it on a GIF loop from this episode, I could use that as my recap for next week.What did you think of Chapter 8 of American Horror Story: Roanoke? Let us know by commenting below!
CF: I did find it amusing that Audrey kept seeming to lose her English accent here and there throughout the filming, but other than that I wanted to see somebody walk through the set with a couple of blowtorches and start killing motherfuckers left and right. I mean, the only reason I was watching the shit last night was so you didn’t have to suffer alone, Rachel, and I will be so glad when the season is over because this is the worst shit AHS has put on. At this point who’s watching the abortion except angry recapers who simply ran out of fucks to give about the show back around, oh, say Episode 4? Oh, I also have to say that the most amusing part of this episode was when Shelby slit her throat. I was, like, “Okay, so now they’re just taking their own asses out.” And I did feel bad when Cuba was killed because he has been the only thing entertaining about the show. Sort of entertaining. After all, let’s not start keeping too much praise on this useless waste of filming.
RT: Occasionally I torture myself by hunting down those recappers that seem to like this season. I want to know how much they are getting paid…
CF: Obviously more than us. So listen up, FX: you want us to stop talking about how bullshit your fucking show is? PAY US! Were willing to shill for cash! Rachel will write totally glowing shit about this show if you just send her money! And I’ll say good stuff too! Cash, bitches: it’s what makes the world go round.
RT: I’m not sure there’s enough money out there to like this shit.
American Horror Story returns to FX with Chapter 8 of Season 6 on Wednesday, November 9 at 10 p.m. ET.
[Image via FX]