Here’s my recap of Episode 3 (entitled “Oathbreaker”) of HBO’s Game of Thrones. My recaps of Game of Thrones now comes with the shiny new Tits and Dragons rankings thanks to Ian McShane thinking this is all the show is about. These ranks will appear at the end of the recap and will let you know just how many tits and dragons have appeared in each episode 😉
- So we find out just how much Jon Snow (Kit Harington) knows about the afterlife and it is exactly the same as what he knows in life: nothing. But that’s okay because Davos (Liam Cunningham) is okay with Jon fucking things up all over again. However, amidst all his confusion he does manage to hang Alliser Thorne (Owen Teale), Olly (Brenock O’Connor) and a couple more arseholes who stabbed him. He then hands over his Commander’s cloak because, well, he’s died already and that means his service is over and he gets to run off and have a life again.
- Bran Stark (Isaac Hempstead Wright) is still living in the past and HBO are still flogging a dead horse. Yes, we know Lyanna is in that tower the young Ned Stark (Robert Aramayo) is trying to get access to. No, we don’t like that you have dragged the L+R=J theory out for another fucking week. (Or two. Or season. Or, whatever.) At this point no one even cares that Ned bullshitted about not killing Ser Arthur Dayne.
- This is the episode that reminds us of a whole heap of characters we had forgotten all about. Samwell Tarly (John Bradley-West) is puking on a boat and deciding to go home. Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) and Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) are chatting to Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) about drinking games and how the hell to fix everything Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) has fucked up in Meereen so far. Margaery’s mum, Olenna Tyrell (Dame Diana Rigg) is still picking on Cersei (Lena Headey) and making sure she can’t sit in on the council, no matter how hard Cersei and Jaime try. And, finally we are reminded there is yet another Stark…
- Remember how we thought most of the Starks were murdered during the Red Wedding? Well that was only because we had forgotten half of them existed. Now we are reminded that the youngest Stark is Rickon (Art Parkinson). Remember him? He was travelling around Westeros with the wildling from Harry Potter, Osha (Natalia Tena). Not a word has been mentioned of them, not a sighting seen until some arsehole turns up at Winterfell and presents them to Ramsay-Fucking-Bolton (Iwan Rheon) as a gift. Right-o then, so I am pretty sure they are appearing just so Ramsay can kill them already. Or maybe Jon Snow will turn up at just the right time to kill Ramsay slowly and painfully and I can finally be glad the sick fucker got what he deserved.
- Speaking of all the Starks left, Arya (Maisie Williams) is still getting beaten with a stick. But this time she answers all the questions right and her eyesight is restored.
- There is some boring shit going on between Tommen (Dean-Charles Chapman) and the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce) involving religion but Tommen’s eyes just keep glazing over as he thinks about Margaery. Or was that just my eyes glazing over?
- Daenerys goes to the Dothraki nunnery. Apparently this isn’t even the worst of it. They have to vote her in or something else worse will happen.
- So we find out all those little birds Varys keeps talking about are just kids. Yep, child labour is thriving in Westeros. But was there ever any doubt?
- This week’s dick joke was stolen from Tyrion and goes, instead, to Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) who insists Jon Snow is not well endowed at all.
- Shaggy Dog is dead. I can’t even breathe anymore.
Tits and Dragons Meter
0.5 out of 5 for Tits thanks to a builders cleavage view of Jon Snow’s arse.
0 out of 5 for Dragons.
Since this is the first week, here’s the rating scale:
A rating of 0-5. Zero being absolutely no nudity, 5 being Pornhub level. Tits refers to all nudity, not just boobies.
A rating of 0-5. 0 being no sighting or mention of dragons, 5 being all the dragons have turned up and created epic levels of carnage. Mentions of dragons count just as much as sighting.
Season 6 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO with Episode 4, entitled “Book of the Stranger”, on Sunday, May 15, at 9 p.m. ET.
The official synopsis for Episode 4 according to IGN is as follows.
“Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) strikes a deal. Jorah (Iain Glen) and Daario (Michiel Huisman) undertake a difficult task. Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) and Cersei (Lena Headey) try to improve their situation.”
[Image via HBO Inc.]