If you are in a bright and happy mood, now is not the time to watch Game of Thrones. If you are already miserable, well then, pull up a seat because misery will certainly enjoy your company..
Here’s my recap of Episode 5 (entitled “The Door”) of Season 6 HBO’s Game of Thrones.
- Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) is trying to to rally the North when she really doesn’t know much beyond, “Look at me, I’m a princess,” and, “But surely ‘Stark’ means something?” Um, no honey, it really doesn’t when it comes to the sick bastard Ramsay. And I know you hate Littlefinger (Aidan Gillem), but please, just let the man speak. There is a reason he is still alive and that is because he is as cunning as a shit house rat and knows a hell of a lot more than you do when it comes to playing the game of thrones. Long story short, Littlefinger has rallied the troops and Sansa needs to go talk to them. And so ends the epic eye-fucking going on between Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) and Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) for a while at least as Brienne follows Sansa on their mission to unify the North.
- Arya (Maisie Williams) gets another mission to prove she really is “no one”. This time she needs to do some recon on a woman who goes by the name Lady Crane (Essie Davis) who just so happens to be an actress in the Westeros version of the English pantomimes, except this one comes with boobies and crass innuendo. After Arya watches the troupe take the piss out of the killing of her father, Ned Stark, she discovers Lady Crane has a perchance for rum and so it looks like the woman who plays the pantomime version of Cersei will get the same fate as the character’s real son did at his wedding.
— Lady Veronica ☺️ (@VeronicaDrake) May 23, 2016
- In the Iron Islands, Yara Greyjoy (Gemma Whelan) is trying to rally the troops and get herself voted in as queen of the most dismal place in Westeros. Except the ironborn are all sexist pigs and it takes Theon (Alfie Allen) to really sell the notion of a queen to their people. Things are looking sweet until their uncle, Euron (Pilou Asbæk) walks in, admits he killed their father and still manages to get the ironborn on his side. But that’s okay because while he is being drowned and reborn the king of the Iron Islands, Yara and Theon steal all of his boats and run away.
- Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) finds out about Jorah’s (Iain Glen) small greyscale problem and instead of letting him banish himself, she asks him to go and find a cure for his condition.
- Meanwhile, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) and Varys (Conleth Hill) are negotiating a way in which the people of Meereen will think Daenerys is awesome all over again. This involves employing a red priestess, Kinvara (Ania Bukstein) that Tyrion can’t suck up to enough and Varys can’t put down enough. But that’s okay because she is a red priestess, and we know that once they decide something is fated, than it is a sure thing. And thus Daenerys becomes a sure thing.
- And so we come to the really horrible bit of Episode 5 of Game of Thrones. The bit where we find out why Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) needs to be careful about keeping his feet on the ground and the bit where we find out why Hodor (Kristian Nairn) only ever says “Hodor”. This is also the bit where I can never ever be good with Bran again. Because the reason Hodor is so fucked up is because Bran went back in time one too many times and Hodor gets caught up in a big old mess of Bran vs. the white walkers. So, Bran ends up greensighting to when the children created the first white walker as a way to create an army to use against the humans. Somehow, along the way the children and the white walkers ended up arch enemies and Bran creates a portal in which the white walkers can come through and attack the children. In the process, the three-eyed raven (Max von Sydow) decides now is a good time for Bran to replace him. So off they go greensighting again and Bran ends up back in time and checking out a young Ned Stark and Hodor. In the meantime, the white walkers are attacking and Meera (Ellie Kendrick) needs to get Bran the fuck out of their hidey hole. Bran is told to warg into Hodor in order for Hodor to pull Bran to safety. But what really happens is that not only the present day Hodor gets possessed, but also the young version from Bran’s vision. As they escape, it is up to Hodor to “Hold the door”, or, as Vox put it: “Hodor. Hold the door. Hold door. Hodor. RIP.” *cries* Yeah, Hodor’s fucktardedness is all Bran’s fault.
— Fatih Öke (@okefatih) May 23, 2016
- For me, the biggest WTF moment actually happened after the whole Hodor event. Because realising how fucked up it is that Hodor was the way he was because of Bran before Bran was even born is depressing enough, but then it got me thinking about just how miserable the whole of Westeros really is. Everyone’s life there sucks. In Episode 5 of Game of Thrones alone, Arya has to watch her father’s death mocked. The Iron Islands are probably the most depressing place in the world and if that isn’t bad enough, the only way to be elected is to be drowned by the people who want you to rule. Sansa is playing at being a grown up, just like Daenerys has had to and being a grown up is particularly hard in Westeros.
And, speaking of Daenerys, did she just send poor Jorah out to pasture? Because by now I am wondering if Daenerys is like me and questioning what the point of this whole show even is. Who would want to rule in such a dismal place and, let’s face it, Jorah is never going to be healed because Westeros is the worst place in the known universe and why would you even want to get better?
- And thanks to the whole Hodor incident, what’s the bet Bran will never want to warg again and therefore never see what was going on in the Tower of Joy. Which means, Jon Snow’s backstory could, potentially, go on forever now…
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
2 out of 5 for Tits thanks to some boobies in the Westeros play and a cock and balls being shoved in my face afterward. At least the College Humor campaign to get more dongs on HBO seems to be working.
0.5 out of 5 for Dragons. Yeah, just a mention this week. But at least Kinvara wanted the dragons to “purify” the non-believers.
Season 6 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO with Episode 6, entitled “Blood Of My Blood” on Sunday, May 29, at 9 p.m. ET.
The official synopsis according to the Independent for Episode 6, entitled “Blood Of My Blood,” is as follows.
“An old foe comes back into the picture. Gilly (Hannah Murray) meets Sam’s (John Bradley) family. Arya (Maisie Williams) faces a difficult choice. Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) faces off against the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce).”
[Image via HBO Inc.]