Welcome ot the episode of Game of Thrones when all those boring storylines start coming together. Oh, and the Terminator manages to sneak in an appearance as well.
Here’s my recap of what went down in Episode 8 (entitled “No One”) of HBO’s Game of Thrones Season 6.
- So the Hound (Rory McCann) is killing people and arguing with Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer) about the merits of axes over nooses in relation to murder. He may, or may not, be heading North with Beric to check out what’s going on there. Seems everyone is heading that way at the moment.
- Except for Cersei (Lena Headey). She is busy in a canoe without a paddle trying to wade through the shit and make it out alive. And just when you think the Mountain (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson) is a pretty good negotiating tool and an easy way out of her trial, her pussy-whipped son obviously got laid because Margaery’s (Natalie Dormer) plan to secretly take down everyone who has wronged her house is set in motion when King Tommen (Dean-Charles Chapman) announces there will be no more trials by combat. Basically, Cersei is screwed. But she should be used to be getting fucked by her kin, shouldn’t she?
- And what of Cersei’s brother? Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is still trying to get Riverrun back from it’s rightful owner. But then
his moral compassBrienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) turns up and reminds him just how much of an arsehole he is. But they manage to hatch a plan that just might result in them not having to fight each other. The plan involves trying to convince Blackfish (Clive Russell) to give up his ancestral home to go and help Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) reclaim hers. So, of course, it totally doesn’t work and Brienne has to sneak out of the castle and Jaime has to threaten to murder childrenconvince Edmure Tully (Tobias Menzies) to walk in and reclaim Riverrun. Is there any reason why this didn’t happen earlier Jaime because tantric sieges is nothing at all like tantric sex. But at least we can go back to shipping Brienne and Tormund again.
- In Meereen, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) is saying goodbye to Varys (Conleth Hill) and I am crying into my wine at the sudden loss of dick jokes. But, wait, Tyrion is trying to drum up new joke buddies by way of Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) and Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel). Both are shit at telling jokes, so, thankfully, the Masters turn up and start attacking Meereen. In the midst of all this, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) returns with her dragons and there is some seriously awkward eyeballing going on in a scene that should be epic.
- Episode 8 of Game of Thrones winds up the annoying House of Black and White storyline. Finally fans get to see the reason why we had to endure so many scenes of a blind Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) getting beaten by the mean girl. Turns out Arya was totally playing the game when she got stabbed in Episode 7. It seems the plan is to lure the Waif (Faye Marsay) into the dark so she can stab her with Needle, but this is only after the Waif does her very best Terminator impersonation. But, before all this can happen, Arya must get her stab wounds healed by Lady Crane (Essie Davis). Seemingly, Melisandre (Carice van Houten) is not the only person who can heal a Stark from multiple stab wounds. Lady Crane appears to heal Arya over night so she can go on and kill the Waif and add her face to all the others in the House of Black and White. Jaqen (Tom Wlaschiha) actually seems impressed, but who wouldn’t be–the Waif was one annoyingly smug bitch after all. However, before he can get too excited about Arya finally being “No One”, Arya announces she is Arya Stark of House Winterfell and two seasons of this storyline unfolded for no good reason at all.
- All the offscreen deaths in Episode 8 of Game of Thrones. Considering how many boring blind Arya fight scenes we had to endure, HBO could have at least given us the satisfaction of seeing the Waif killed and having her face removed to be offered in Arya’s place to the Faceless God. And, seriously, Blackfish as well? Have you spent all your money on something else HBO?
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
0.5 out of 5 for Tits. Okay, HBO, I know we asked for more dongs in Game of Thrones, but, really? Why do you think eyeballing a manky, warty penis in one episode and the Hound taking a piss in this episode is the sort of dong we really want to see?
2.5 out of 5 for Dragons. Daenerys came in at the last minute and thanks to that we got visual on one of her dragons. it should have been more impressive than it actually was.
Season 6 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO with Episode 9, entitled “Battle of the Bastards” on Sunday, June 19, at 9 p.m. ET.
The official synopsis for Episode 9 of Game of Thrones has not yet been released.
[Image via HBO]