With that small teaser, here’s what went down in Episode 5 of HBO’s Game of Thrones Season 7.
Team Dragon Queen
So Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) returns happy as shit from annihilating the Lannister army. Jon Snow (Kit Harington) who is looking broody AF while waiting for her manages to cop a feel of her … dragon. Of course, no one mentions dragons are supposed to be fussy about who touches them, but maybe that’s just because Daenerys is starting to look a little unhinged and Jon gets a raven from Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) telling him everything is fucked.Bran has seen the white walkers approaching en masse, so now Jon has to amp up his plan to get Daenerys’ help. Of course, Daenerys is too busy torching Tarly’s who spent too much time on screen of late. As a result of this, so let’s him go because, well, to be honest, I think she has a lady boner for Jon and will let him do pretty much anything so long as he gives a broody speech before hand.
Regardless, a plan is hatched and they have this peace, love, and mung-bean idea that Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) will talk to Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) and somehow manage to make Cersei (Lena Headey) agree to a truce so long as they show her one of the wights. They also think she will keep this truce while everyone occupies themselves with fighting the undead. Basically, Jon will go beyond the Wall and bring back just one of the white walkers to show Cersei and, magically, everything will be fixed.
I can’t see this fucking up at all *rolls eyes*
Davos (Liam Cunningham) sneaks Tyrion into King’s Landing as he has somehow hooked up a meeting with Jaime. While he is there, Davos does the one thing no one else in Westeros could do: find Gendry (Joe Dempsie).
Gendry has returned to what he was doing before everyone wanted to kill him for being the son of Robert Baratheon (Mark Addy). And. No. One. Thought. To. Check. There. First. So, now that the longest hide and seek game ever has been completed, Gendry is more than ready to do anything else but hide. Davos takes him back to Dragonstone and Gendry bonds with the other bastard there, Jon Snow, and they both head off to the Wall together.
Team Queen Who Fucks Her Brother
So, Jaime and Bronn (Jerome Flynn) survive the dragon attack and the fact they fell into the opening credits of Vikings last week. Bronn announces (probably after he discovered his postman wouldn’t talk to him for stabbing a dragon) that he draws the line at fighting dragons. Jaime probably thinks he’s joking, but, secretly also agrees with him.
If you thought fighting a losing battle was a hard day at work for Jaime in Episode 4 of Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 5 sees him having to go home and tell Cersei that they are, basically, fucked. Oh, and that Olenna (Diana Rigg) killed their son. Cersei doesn’t believe him about Joffrey, but, as Jaime points out, who wouldn’t kill him if they had the chance?
Jaime then gets that surprise visit from Tyrion that everyone but Jaime knows about. Surprisingly, Cersei is up for the idea of a truce while the undead are being dealt with. But, that’s because she figures if she plays into Daenerys’ hands now, it will give her the chance to work out how to return the favour. Basically, she is keeping her friends close and her enemies closer. Well, if Cersei had any friends that is…Oh, and Cersei is pregnant again. Jaime is all “Who do we say is the father?” Crazy Cersei pulls the Targaryen card and says they’ll just tell everyone he is. “Oh, and don’t betray me ever again,” she pops in his ear. Because that won’t come back to bite her on the arse at all now she has said it out loud.
Meanwhile, In The North
You know how it is at family gatherings, everyone is happy to see each other, but, then, after a few drinks, they are remembering why everyone lives so far apart? Well, this is how it’s going down in Winterfell in Episode 5 of Game of Thrones Season 7. Arya (Maisie Williams) is pissy Sansa (Sophie Turner) is still shallow AF and, in her opinion, wishing she was the real King in the North.
This is perfect timing because Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) is putting a wedge between the two sisters as quick as he can. He knows Arya won’t take his shit, neither will Bran, so the only one he thinks he can play like a puppet is Sansa. Arya falls for his bullshit this week, but, I figure she’ll work him out soon enough and add him to her list. But, not before her and Sansa have a scrag fight first, no doubt.
The Most Unintelligent Place In The World (That Also Has The Most Books)
Now, HBO, can we just talk about the Citadel please? Seriously, the place is filled with books that people seem to be reading, yet, none of the maesters believe Sam (John Bradley-West) about the white walkers. “Let’s just talk about it,” they say.
Samwell, is sick of their shit though, and steals all the books there about the the Long Night and takes off with Gilly and her son.
No one even had time to tell him he is now head of the Tarly house.
- Jorah ( Iain Glen) returns. While this isn’t a WTF moment, they way Daenerys looks at him like she might just jump his bones, is.
- Where the fuck was Theon (Alfie Allen)? Didn’t he just return to Dragonstone? Please don’t tell me we got Gendry back and now Theon is playing hide and seek.
- Gilly (Hannah Murray) totally finds out that Jon Snow isn’t a bastard at all AND SAM TOTALLY IGNORES HER. Seriously, Sam, you think the maesters are not listening…
- Gendry and those mad battle axe fighting skills.If he had blonde hair I would be wondering if HBO borrowed him from Marvel.
- Speaking of Marvel, did Westeros just get their own version of the Avengers? After Jon’s group arrive at Eastwatch and Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) asks about the “big lady,” the group grow in number thanks to the Hound (Rory McCann) getting all born again with Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer) and wanting go beyond the wall as well. As they all head out into the land of the Night’s King, they seriously look like an Avengers movie.
— Jon Winterfell (@JonWinterfall) August 14, 2017
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
0 out of 5 for Tits. Okay, I’ll give you a pass for last week HBO, because, dragon battle. But, hey, there’s a reason Ian McShane thinks this show is nothing more than tits and dragons. That’s because:tits as well as dragons. Just because your CGI budget is going into free fall, doesn’t mean you can’t still show some skin as well.
5 out of 5 for Dragons. There was the Drag-A-Que with the Tarly’s. But, for me, it was all about Jon Snow touching a dragon! Close up dragon skin is amazing.
What did you think of Episode 5 of Game of Thrones Season 7? Let us know your thoughts and theories by commenting below.
Season 7 of HBO’s Game of Thrones will return on Sunday, August 20 with Episode 6, the penultimate episode for this season.
There is no official synopsis or title yet, but you can view the trailer for Episode 6 of Game of Thrones Season 7 below.
[Featured image via /HBO]