We’ve been waiting — and dreading — this episode all week: the battle for Winterfell. And, seriously, this recap will never do it any justice. You just need to watch the fuck out if it instead. If you still insist on a recap, though, rather than trying to capture it all it scene by scene, here’s the battle in a nutshell.
- WTF is going on? No, seriously, the battle is going on at nighttime and I have no idea who is getting killed.
- Oh, hang on, there’s Melisandre (Carice van Houten) and she is lighting up the Dothraki weapons so at least we can see who is who now.
- Oh, wait, the Dothraki are in the Dead Army now. Nevermind.
- Bran is set up as bait and Theon is apologizing for all the shit things he did. Bran totally doesn’t care. Neither do we, to be honest. Can we just get to the battle already?
- The battle commences and everywhere I look the night is dark and full of terrors. Or, so I assume, because it is as dark as fuck still.
— Becca (@beccaashoe) April 29, 2019
- Regardless of what is seen, I can tell that the battle at Winterfell is one giant clusterfuck. The Unsullied are tasked with defending the castle and everyone ends up retreating in the end because, let’s face it, there was absolutely no point in trying to defend Winterfell from outside the castle.
- Arya (Maisie Williams) tells Sansa (Sophie Turner) to head on downstairs to the crypt and a part of me dies because we all know the crypt is going to be the biggest clusterfuck of all.
- Arya has finally managed to turn up in a battle episode and she fights like the little trooper that we all knew she was. Even when she has her Jurassic Park moment while she hides from the dead.
- The Hound (Rory McCann) and Beric (Robert Dormer) back up Arya because Beric died 19 times in order to die tonight while saving Arya.
- Melisandre is tasked with telling everyone she will die tonight as well as lighting the trench when the dead get too close. She freaks out at all the wights around her but finally manages to light the damn fire and we can all see again.
— Nora Dominick (@noradominick) April 29, 2019
- Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) keeps getting lost in the battle and I have no idea if he is alive or dead. Then, some poor bastard falls off the wall at Winterfell and it is a really long time before Tormund is seen again and my heart can start beating once more.
- Ghost is the other one that has me freaking out. He heads out to battle outside Winterfell and I am hoping it is so that he can call Nymeria and her wicked wolf gang. But, alas, we never see Ghost again until the trailer for Episode 4 of Game of Thrones. At least he survives.
- As we are all freaking out over the massive battle, Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) is
having a napwarging all over the place like a spoiler drone over the set when they were filming Season 8 of Game of Thrones.
- The Night King (Vladimír Furdík) finally turns up, which throws out my theory that he would be heading for King’s Landing in Episode 3 of Game of Thrones Season 8.
- Melisandre corners Arya and quotes Arya’s fighting coach from Season 1 of Game of Thrones. At least we now know that Arya has a plan.
The purpose always been protect Arya Stark until this last moment; Ser Beric Dondarrion, Melisandre, the hound, Thoros of Myr, Theon Greyjoy even Syrio Forel.
— Re’lar Fer (@LuisFernandoSR) April 29, 2019
- The Night King knocks Daenerys off her dragon and, while she has a very long name filled with impressive feats, nowhere does it state that she knows how to fight. So, lucky for her Ser
FriendzoneJorah turns up to fight to the death. Which is a shame because I totally think Dany would have put out after he saved her life this time.
- Jon is also off his dragon but that’s okay because he sees the Night King and heads his way. Except, the Night King totally knows Jon is coming and raises the dead in response.
- Which means that everyone in the crypt is now fucked.
— Rachel Tsoumbakos (@mrszoomby) April 29, 2019
- Winterfell is completely compromised by this point in Episode 3 and I am resigned to the fact that everyone dies. But then, Bran returns to his body just as the Night King is approaching and I have hope.
- After way too long of approaching between the pair, I catch a glimpse of Arya-Fucking-Stark as she leaps at the Night King. *fist pump*
- Except the Night King knows this and turns, grabbing Arya by the throat and my whole world crumbles.
- I shouldn’t have worried, though, because Arya has a knife and awesome reflexes for when she drops that knife. Which means she totally kills the Night King and I can stop panicking about everyone in the crypts and all of those fighting to their very last breaths. Except it is too late for some…
— A girl loves Arya Stark🖤 (@aryastarkAzor) April 29, 2019
The list is long and full of friends.
- The Night King
- Eddison Tollett
- Lady Lyanna Mormont
- Theon Greyjoy
- Jorah Mormont
- Beric Dondarrion
- Ice Viserion
- White Walkers
- Loads of the Unsullied
Farewell to the Fallen…
— Audrey L. Bacani (@audzbacani_says) April 29, 2019
Tits and Dragon Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
0 out of 5 for Tits. But, who needs boobies when everyone is dying at the whim of the Night King?
5 out of 5 for Dragons. Dragons fought dragons, people, wights, whatever you threw at them. It seriously doesn’t get much better than this.
What did you think of Episode 3 of Game of Thrones Season 8? Let us know your thoughts and theories by commenting below.
Season 8 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO with Episode 3 on Sunday, May 5 at 9 p.m.
[Featured image via Helen Sloan / HBO]