All week I was wondering about whether or not Winterfell would use dragons to deal with the dead. I mean, it would be metal AF to just burn them all in one massive funeral pyre outside of Winterfell. However, I forgot we had Jon Snow (Kit Harington) to contend with and speeches have to be made. Plus, dragon fire as a funeral pyre wouldn’t have had me ugly crying at Ser Jorah. Ditto for when Sansa (Sophie Turner) pinned Theon (Alfie Allen) and let him die as a Stark.
Now that HBO made me cry my guts up over all that were lost in Episode 3 of Game of Thrones, it is time to drink and be merry.
However, it all looks a bit strained at first, especially when Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) singles out the only Baratheon in the room. Gendry (Joe Dempsie) had been looking for Arya (Maisie Williams) but, after Dany stops him, I think he is currently looking for a clean pair of breeches.
Which he can now afford in buckets because Daenerys surprises everyone by giving Gendry a title and the Baratheon stronghold.
Not because she is kind and awesome but because she knows he is now less likely to contest her claim for the iron throne.
Gendry immediately tracks down Arya and proposes.
— Valentina (@ValentinaAC14) May 6, 2019
As to be expected, Arya puts him in the friend zone and heads off to King’s Landing with the Hound (Rory McCann) because Cleganebowl is about to happen and Arya still has a name to cross off her list.
Officially, it isn’t drinking in Game of Thrones unless the drinking game comes out and that’s when we learn that Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) is a virgin. Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) immediately tries to hit that and gets cock-blocked by Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), who knights her ten times over.
However, Brienne only gets a few moments of happiness as Jaime decides it is time to head back to King’s Landing. He uses the excuse, when Brienne catches him, that he is a horrible person. However, we all know (or hope) it is because he is planning on offing his sister.
Tyrion to Brienne: you’re a virgin
— Stevie Fluke (@phtevie_g) May 6, 2019
Also, can we just take a moment to appreciate that Podrick (Daniel Portman) drank, announcing quietly that he was still a virgin? Which makes you wonder what exactly he did to those girls in the brothel…
Although, it appears that later in the episode he is fixing to not be the only virgin left in Winterfell and is seen organising a threesome.
— James White (@G4TOR24) May 6, 2019
Ever since Jon told Daenerys that he was a Targaryen, there hasn’t been time to have a proper discussion about it. So, the pair get together and suck face until Jon remembers that he is swapping spit with his aunt and creeps himself out.
Which means there is nothing else to do but point out the fact that Jon has a better claim to the throne than Dany.
Get Jon to lie about his heritage.
Because Jon is so good at lying.
Jon tries to resist telling Arya and Sansa but it lasts all of two seconds before he lets Bran (Isaac William Hempstead) fill them in on the gossip. Sansa immediately sees this as a way to not end up with Daenerys as a sister-in-law and starts dropping hints to Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) because Jon made her swear she wouldn’t tell and oaths are a kept thing when it comes to Starks.
Tyrion works it out and tells Varys (Conleth Hill) who points out that they are no longer sitting on a secret and starts discussing treason. Tyrion is not too comfortable with this because he still believes in Dany but Varys is about the only person besides Jon Snow that would honestly do everything for the people of the realm and not for political power.
Daenerys to Jon: Don’t tell anyone you’re a Targaryen
Jon to Arya & Sansa: Don’t tell anyone I’m a Targaryen
Sansa to Tyrion: Don’t tell anyone Jon is a Targaryen
Varys to the realm: pic.twitter.com/An4aC2MFHY
— Tashdeed Kader Faruk (@_VeniVidiVeci_) May 6, 2019
Because that’s what Dany is all about. Sure, she can say that she is a breaker of chains but, really, she wants to be the ultimate ruler of all. And, regardless of what Tyrion and Varys say, they know this since they automatically dismiss the idea of marrying the pair in order to fix the problem. They know damn well that Daenerys would never be happy until she had supreme ownership of the iron throne.
And, considering the look on Dany’s face when Tormund started talking about how awesome Jon Snow is and how much everyone at Winterfell cheered at this, I think Sansa just put her brother in a very precarious position.
— Kelsita (@kaaseyjstew) May 6, 2019
Daenerys also wants to head straight to King’s Landing in order to deal with Cersei (Lena Headey). She is so eager that she points out to Sansa that she helped the North with their little Night King (Vladimir Furdik) problem and so there isn’t time to let the armies rest before they move on. Once again, I think Daenerys is a bit toey about getting on that throne before Jon does.
So, off to King’s Landing they go.
But, on their trip there, Euron Greyjoy (Pilou Asbæk) fucks shit up by killing one of Dany’s dragons, destroying her fleet, and taking Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) hostage.
Now, Daenerys has been trying her best to not be the Mad Queen and living up to the Targaryen stereotype but at this point, her eye is twitching so bad I am surprised that she hasn’t burst a blood vessel yet.So, when they get to King’s Landing, the two mad queens stand head to head and demand the other steps down.
The audience knows this is never going to happen but Tyrion tries to negotiate anyway. At this point, as he is pulling the “Cersei as a mother is her only redeeming quality” card, I am hoping he would mention that Jaime is the father, just to see Euron lose his shit. However, he doesn’t and Cersei gives zero fucks about negotiations and beheads Missandei.
And, that’s how the fight started.
However, viewers will have to tune into next week’s episode of Game of Thrones to find out just how far over the edge Daenerys goes.
- Can we just take a moment to remember Ghost, who finally got screen time only to be retired to the North with Tormund because everyone wants their CGI spent on dragons and not direwolves?
- Bronn (Jerome Flynn) is a cunt. I totally thought Bronn would have some sort of honour when it comes to Jaime and Tyrion. But, no. He is hedging his bets and getting Tyrion to make a counteroffer against Cersei. When Tyrion offers High Garden, it is deemed acceptable. However, Bronn will wait until the last battle is won to start moving his furniture into Riverrun or High Garden. Seriously, the man is a cunt and probably an accurate representation of how Walder Frey (David Bradley) started out.
Tits and Dragon Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
2 out of 5 for Tits. I’m actually being very generous here as there was much more innuendo than actual bare flesh. But, considering so many characters got lucky in this episode, I felt like I should up the rating just a little.
1 out of 5 for Dragons. Because that’s how many are left. Yeah, I totally went there…
What did you think of Episode 3 of Game of Thrones Season 8? Let us know your thoughts and theories by commenting below.
Season 8 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO with Episode 3 on Sunday, May 12 at 9 p.m.
[Featured image via Helen Sloan / HBO]