While Episode 5 of Game of Thrones Season 8 has plenty of spectacular battle moments and LOADS of death, it was pretty much a clusterfuck of WTF moments. So, rather than adding them at the end, welcome to the entire recap of WTF moments!
- Varys (Conleth Hill) who has been the ultimate creeper through seven and a half seasons of Game of Thrones gets to meet a dragon up close and personal when Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) barbeques him for treason. You have no idea how pissed I am about this. Varys is the one person that gives a single shit about the people of Westeros and now he is dragon meat and Daenerys is dead to me. Which, I know, is what HBO wants me to think of her since they have hit the express button to Crazy Town for Dany but I hate her for the death of Varys and not for the insanity which was on the cards all along anyway.
Master of Whispers.
— Noah (@PowZingBang) May 13, 2019
- While Varys gets toasted, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) gets saved by Dany for no other reason than for her to tell him that Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is a dumbass and already captured.
- Tyrion decides that he gives zero fucks about job security now that Dany has issued him with a final warning and frees his brother in the hope that Jaime will do the right thing. Oh, and also so that he will ring the bell inside King’s Landing. The bell tolling means surrender and I was a little uneasy about this idea because it felt a bit like a trap. Which it must have also to Dany. But, more on that later…
- Daenerys and Jon Snow (Kit Harington) have a conversation that merely serves to show that Jon is still too honest for his own good. It leads to Daenerys choosing fear to rule and smacks of that line Cersei (Lena Headey) muttered about choosing violence. Because HBO has taken a sledgehammer to subtleties and decided the fanbase is not interested in them anymore.
- While Jon may not be able to lie, he is able to tell the army to stop following Dany’s stupid battle ideology of rushing headlong into battle and tells everyone to calm the fuck down and wait until morning.
— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) May 13, 2019
- Arya (Maisie Williams) and the Hound (Rory McCann) turn up at King’s Landing just in time to make it inside the Red Keep before the gates are closed. Jaime is not so lucky and has to take the long way around.
- While Daenerys might be all for rushing in where fools dare to tread, she has at least given some thought as to her objective in today’s battle. Finally learning that pointy things projected at super speed will kill her dragons, she sets off to destroy all of the crossbows in King’s Landing. First, she attacks Euron’s (Pilou Asbæk) fleet. Next, she hits the crossbows on King’s Landing and does them in too. Meanwhile, Cersei is standing at the top of the Red Keep telling Qyburn (Anton Lesser) that everything’s cool and that no one has ever breached the Red keep during a battle and to hold onto his hat and stop fussing. Because the crazy in strong in the queens of Westeros.
- Even though the bell finally tolls in King’s Landing, Daenerys decides she is done with pretending to give a single shit about people and calls dracarys on the Red Keep. Jon watches on in horror as women and children burn and still Dany doesn’t stop.
— tanveer (@TanveerSid_) May 13, 2019
- Meanwhile, Jaime is sneaking into the Red Keep but gets busted by Euron Greyjoy and they have to have a fight about who gets to die. Euron is all smarmy and offers to give Jaime’s head to Cersei to kiss after he dies but Jaime actually ends up beating Euron. Not before he gets stabbed a little though. He leaves Euron with a smile on his face, though, as the Greyjoy thinks he has mortally wounded the Lannister. Jaime then heads into the Red keep and goes on a hunt for Cersei.
- Cersei has finally realises the Red Keep is falling and tries to leave. On the way out, she bumps into the Hound who is looking for Cleganebowl arena. Except that arena turns out to be the stairs they are standing on and Cersei beats a hasty retreat after the Mountain (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson) kills Qyburn and nobody in the entire world cares.
- So, Cleganebowl happens and it’s pretty cool but the Hound works out quickly that what is dead may never die once Qyburn has fiddled with it and it’s time for the long run off a short pier.
- Arya, who has had a one-tracked mind since forever, is determined to take out Cersei. Until that one little conversation, she has with the Hound when he tells her not to wind up a bitter old twat like himself. So, Arya agrees with him and. Decides. To. Leave. King’s. Landing. and I am left hating HBO for fucking up an entire story arc for Arya when she could have killed the Night King (Vladimir Furdik) AND Cersei.
- Instead, Cersei and Jaime hook up for one last time and Cersei tries to make it all about how she wants their baby to survive when that hasn’t been the case for all of Season 8 of Game of Thrones and they hug and then a wall falls on them. Yes, Cersei is crushed to death while Jaime comforts her. And, just like that, Jaime’s story arc has been reduced to that of resident fuck boi. Fuck you HBO! And the stupid crayons you used to write this episode. If Arya didn’t do it, Jaime should have choked the shit out of Cersei in order to complete his story arc. All I can hope for now is that Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) somehow managed to view this episode on Westerosi TV and is now hunting down your arses for a proper hiding.
— A. (@NallaHelleran) May 13, 2019
- Speaking of Arya, she has to run around King’s Landing as she avoids dragonfire. She nearly dies a couple of times but comes across a white horse and then rides out of King’s Landing. Hopefully, she is headed straight for Winterfell and has a nice chat to Sansa (Sophie Turner) about how much Danerys sucks.
- As the dust settles, can we just take a moment to discuss wildfire? I know we got to see a little of it as King’s Landing burned but, didn’t the Mad King have a pile of stashes — especially one under the Red Keep? Why didn’t the Keep blow then?
Tits and Dragon Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
0 out of 5 for Tits. After seven seasons, it appears that HBO has finally decided to rein in the gratuitous nudity so, even though men were attacking women in Episode 5 of the final season of Game of Thrones, not a boobie or butt was to be seen.
5 out of 5 for Dragons. With only one dragon, you would think there wouldn’t be a pile of action. However, with Dany entering Mad Queen territory, Drogon was all over King’s Landing like a disease in a brothel. And just as unwelcome…
What did you think of Episode 5 of Game of Thrones Season 8? Let us know your thoughts and theories by commenting below.
Season 8 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO with Episode 3 on Sunday, May 12 at 9 p.m.
[Featured image via Helen Sloan / HBO]