The Meeting of Really Important People
As we saw in Episode 6 of Game of Thrones, Jon (Kit Harington) totally bent the knee to Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) just in time for them to arrive at King’s Landing with their undead present for Cersei (Lena Headey). Everyone is suitably impressed when the Hound (Rory McCann) brings out the wight. Euron (Pilou Asbaek) goes one step further and flees in terror. Cersei calls him a crybaby and then agrees a truce is important…
…so long as Jon bends at her knee rather than at Daenerys’.
Jon being the stupid, honorable fool that he is refuses to now bend the knee to Cersei. Basically, everyone present then calls Jon out for not being able to lie. Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) flat says they’re all fucked now. Seriously Jon, you had one job, even you admitted the undead army is the most important thing in Westeros at the moment. All it would take would be a single little lie. Really only a white lie too…
As a result Tyrion has to volunteer as tribute.
The Lannister Family
Tyrion actually makes it all the way to Cersei’s quarters and isn’t even threatened once, although his face says he’s already shit in his pants and he hasn’t even made eye contact with his sister yet.
Cersei and Tyrion squabble over who has killed the most of the Lannister dynasty. Cersei won’t even admit she has had a hand in any of those deaths, whereas Tyrion at least has the decency to apologise for the deaths of Cersei’s nice children.
Cersei keeps going on and on about how important family is to her until Tyrion finally realises the reason for this is because this monster is pregnant all over again.
After that, Tyrion must have said something that works because Cersei returns to tell Daenerys and Jon that she will support their quest to defeat the Night King (Vladimir Furdik) and his zombie army. And, as is the way with selfish people, she points out she would like them to remember she helped them after the fight is over.Later on, however, when Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is getting his army ready to help Dany and Jon, Cersei calls him an idiot for believing she would help out. And, seriously, Jaime, what were you actually thinking? That Cersei had gotten kinder with age? Of course she wasn’t going to help the North defeat the undead. Cersei is too damn selfish for that. I mean Cersei says she’s all about her family, but what she really means is, “Fuck you.” Although, she does have a valid point, if Dany’s dragons and the Dothraki can’t defeat the undead, then who the bloody hell can?!
Then, for the second time in the Season 7 finale of Game of Thrones, one of Cersei’s siblings is calling her bluff over her threat to kill them. Jaime, to give him credit, doesn’t look like he shit his pants nearly as much as Tyrion did. Him sneaking off in the middle of the night, however, is a pretty good indication he is pissed at his sister and is about to do the honourable thing by joining the North. Or, so I hope that’s what he’s doing. If so, this means someone had better remind Cersei of that prophecy that said one of her brothers would kill her because, seriously, Jaime looks pissed now that Cersei keeps calling him an idiot.
It’s been two episodes of Game of Thrones since Theon (Alfie Allen) arrived at Dragonstone and Jon threatened to knock his block off. Since then, no one has seen him. This week, however, he turns up at Cersei’s meeting and afterwards, he and Jon have a little chat about how much of a cunt Theon has been in the past. In the end, though, Jon admits Theon is just as much Stark as he is Greyjoy and that gives Theon the balls to approach his group and tell them they need to rescue Yara (Gemma Whelan) from Euron. Theon gets kneed in the balls for talking out of line. Of course, having no actual balls means Theon can then kick the living shit out of any objectors and it seems Season 8 will place Theon in a storyline no one actually gives a shit about. Although, it will probably mean Theon will find out just in the knick of time that Euron didn’t really shit bricks in fear of the Night King’s army but was in cahoots with Cersei and is now heading to Essos to gather more support there.
The Plot Thickens at Winterfell
So, last week I was hoping Sansa (Sophie Turner) was not as stupid as she seemed in relation to believing Petyr Baelish’s (Aidan Gillen) bullshit. Thankfully, it was all a part of grand plan to fuck him up. This week sees Sansa play along with Littlefinger before bringing Arya into the great hall in order to call him out. As to be expected, he actually blubbers like a baby as he begs for his life. Sansa reminds him his deceit goes as far back as the death of Jon Arryn and he is, basically, the reason Westeros is now completely fucked. Arya then slits his throat and I am sure nobody even cares that Littlefinger is dead.
Bran Finally Decides its Time to Share his Secret
So, back in the Season 6 finale of Game of Thrones, Bran Stark (Isaac Hempstead Wright) totally had a vision that saw the true identity of Jon Snow’s mother revealed and the assumption made about his father. Since then, even though he has made it back to Winterfell, has totally forgotten to bring it up with Sansa or Arya.
But, then Samwell Tarly (John Bradley-West) turns up at Winterfell and Bran chooses this moment tot share his vision with someone. After he calls Jon Snow, Jon Sand, Samwell gets all excited and mentions the fact he totally knows Jon isn’t a bastard at all because he knew all along that Rhaegar Targaryen ended up marrying Lyanna Stark. So now we know for sure that Jon Targaryen is the actual heir to the iron throne.
Someone had better tell Jon, then.
Brace Yourself, More Incest is Coming
Except Jon is totally boning the mother of dragons.
So, won’t that after sex glow wear off pretty quickly when he reads the raven that tells him he just fucked his aunt. Of course, Daenerys will give zero fucks about the situation because Targaryens love to love their relatives.
— Sheharyar Khan (@iSheharyar) August 28, 2017
Beyond the Wall Everything is Fucked
Actually, everything is okay beyond the Wall. It is the actual Wall itself that is fucked because now that the Night King has an ice dragon, he is blasting the shit out of that Wall using ice dragon fire.
Tormund. I Can’t. Even.
Seriously HBO. I know we never thought you’d troll the fuck out of us after that little prank about the fate of Jon Snow in the Season 5 finale. But, now that it looks like we won’t get Season 8 of Game of Thrones until 2018, or even 2019, and it seems the troll out-trolled themselves 🙁
— kathleen (@kathleen_hanley) August 28, 2017
- Everyone just chatting with everyone as they are approaching potential doom in the meet up with Cersei. Yeah, Tyrion, why not pitch to Bronn (Jerome Flynn) about swapping teams. And, Jaime, just on your little chat with Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie). But, the best bit was watching the Hound and the Mountain (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson) square up as the audience wonders whether CleganeBowl will happen soon.
- Cersei totally predicting something happened to Viserion.
- Tyrion holding an actual torch as he listens to Dany and Jon getting jiggy. Yes, HBO, we get the analogy.
- Did HBO totally throw the Tormund bomb at the audience so we stop thinking about all that incest Jon and Dany are having? Because that isn’t cool at all HBO.
- Can we just talk about how ridiculous the Night King looked riding the ice dragon?
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
2.5 out of 5 for Tits. Finally, HBO gives us some skin. it’s not much skin, but it’s Jon’s arse hovering over Dany, so that accounts for something.5 out of 5 for Dragons. While it was cool watching Daenerys turn up fashionably late to impress those that hadn’t seen dragons yet, her dragons were a bit “ho-hum” in the Season 7 finale. But, that’s okay, because, hello blue fire-breathing ice dragon!
What did you think of the Season 7 finale of Game of Thrones? Let us know your thoughts and theories by commenting below.
Game of Thrones will return to HBO with Season 8 at some point in the future.
[Featured image by HBO]