But what else happened in this episode? Well, my recap of Episode 1 (titled “Dragonstone”) of Game of Thrones Season 7 will reveal everything that went down.
Getting back to Arya-Fucking-Stark (Maisie Williams), after killing Walder Frey (David Bradley) in the Season 6 finale of Game of Thrones, decides to host a feast for all of the remaining Freys in the Season 7 premiere.
While wearing Walder’s face.
So the rest of them have no idea Arya is in the house. She instructs all the women Freys to hand out wine and then congratulates the boy Freys on how awesome they are for slaughtering a pregnant woman. By this stage, some of them are getting nervous, but it’s too late because all of them have drunk the poisoned wine and an entire house is suddenly wiped from Westeros. Well, nearly. Arya left the women alive, but only so they can spread the word about how awesome Arya-Fucking-Stark is.Arya then heads out to King’s Landing to cross Cersei’s (Lena Headey) name off the list. She doesn’t make it there in Episode 1 of Game of Thrones but she does meet up with Ed Sheeran who is in the woods singing. I shit you not. Everyone there thinks Ed’s singing is wonderful and that Arya is hilarious for thinking she can take out the queen. No one tells her not to though.
Speaking of Starks, ahead of the Night King and his army of white walkers, Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) and Meera (Ellie Kendrick) arrive at Castle Black. Once they realise who Bran is, they let him in. There is no happy family reunion though, as Sansa (Sophie Turner) is bury telling Jon Snow (Kit Harington) he knows nothing and that traitor’s families deserve their castles taken off them. Jon Snow, basically, tells her to shut the fuck up and lets the kids of the traitors keep their homes — so long as they pledge allegiance to him. Which, they do. Obviously.Jon then tells everyone they need to be on the lookout for dragonglass so they can kill the white walkers. While no one has any idea where to start looking, Samwell Tarly (John Bradley-West) is sneaking books from the restricted section of the library in between cleaning chamber pots. So, he totally find out that the Targaryens hid a huge stash of Dragonglass underneath Dragonstone.
Oh, and just on a side note HBO: did you really need to spend that much airtime on showing shit being poured out of chamber pots? We are here for the tits and dragons, not the piss and poop.
While all this is going on, Lyanna Mormont (Bella Ramsey) is being awesome and Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) is letting Brienne know he would like her to beat him up.
Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) continues to creep.
Over in King’s Landing, Cersei and Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) discuss just how fucked they are in relation to how everyone hates them and they really don’t have a big enough army to kill them all. But, then Euron Greyjoy (Pilou Asbæk) turns up with more charm than I have seen from a Greyjoy. Ever. Everything is going well, Cersei needs an army, he needs a queen. They are both in the right place at the right time. But, then Euron goes and cracks a joke about how he has both his hands and Cersei tells him to fuck off. Oops. Euron is not put off though, claiming he will be back.
Meanwhile, the Hound (Rory McCann) is travelling with Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer) and discussing just why the Lord of Light would chose Beric to bring back over and over again. Dondarrion has no idea but gets all, “Look at the fire” in response. The Hound actually does and sees the Wall and shit getting real. And, he is as surprised as I am at the fact he saw shit in the flames. The others just spout the usual religious zealot refrain: “See, didn’t we say you were here for a reason?”And, finally, we get to Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke). She is home, not the home that she has lived at for most of her life, but the birthplace belonging to the Targaryens: Dragonstone. Speaking of, her dragons fly overhead as a reminder that we haven’t gotten to see them or any tits yet in this episode of Game of Thrones. But, Daenerys doesn’t care, she just wants to get inside and start the ball rolling in her game of thrones.
She enters the throne room. Then the strategy room.
“Shall we begin?” she asks Tyrion.
So, some hand comes through a cell and grabs Samwell, asking if hte dragon queen had arrived yet. That hand is covered in greyscale. Is it Jorah? Probably. However, what i want ot know is how the fuck did it progress so quickly after managed to keep his ailment a secret for so long?
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
0 out of 5 for Tits. Honestly, there wasn’t even any low-cut dresses in this episode of Game of Thrones.
1 out of 5 for Dragons. But we had to wait until the very end of the episode to see them 🙁
What did you think of the premiere episode of Game of Thrones Season 7? Let us know your thoughts and theories by commenting below.
Season 7 of HBO’s Game of Thrones will return on Sunday, July 23, with Episode 2, titled “Stormborn.”
The official synopsis is below.
“Daenerys receives an unexpected visitor. Jon faces a revolt. Sam risks his career and life. Tyrion plans the conquest of Westeros.”
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[Featured Image by Helen Sloan/HBO]