So, queue bad weather at Dragonstone so Varys (Conleth Hill) can remind everyone how Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) got the name “Stormborn.” It’s not enough to stop the mother of dragons calling him out of being a turncoat against kings. Which he is, but Varys totally has a comeback. He is for the people and not the leaders. Varys insists he will do anything to help the commoners, and it is enough — for the moment — to keep his head attached to his body.
Then Melisandre (Carice van Houten) turns up claiming she is on Team Daenerys. Everyone quickly points out that her prophecies are shit and no one really wants her there spouting her religious crap. But, join the team she does, and, she lets slip that Jon Snow (Kit Harington) is now king in the North and Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) is suitably impressed. I’m pretty sure Daenerys got a lady boner too. Regardless, she sends a raven requesting Jon Snow
immediately go down on her bend at the knee.
But, little does she know, Jon Snow is planning to join Team Daenerys anyway, on account of Samwell Tarly learning Dragonstone has a massive stash of dragonglass. Jon wants it so he can kill all the white walkers who haven’t arrived yet, but will, because, you know, it’s winter and Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) went and fucked everything up and probably opened the portal of doom. And, as Sansa (Sophie Turner) points out, dragons can probably burn those undead fuckers back into their graves.
While Jon may want to get it on with the mother of dragons, everyone else in the North says “Hell, no!” After all they have all been fucked over by either a Targaryen or a Lannister at some point or another. Sansa is suitably pissed as well but manages to suck it all up once Jon lets her be King of the North while he’s gone.Even though Daenerys seems to have everyone on her side, she is having a hard time controlling them all since, even though she is the mother of dragons, she is being pretty flaccid in this episode of Game of Thrones.
But, that’s okay, because she has a pretty cool plan. She is setting everyone up to surround King’s Landing. She wants to starve Cersei out. Well, actually, she is just trying to distract her army while the Unsullied head on over to Casterly Rock and take that bitch down as well.
While everyone is suitably impressed, it gives Euron Greyjoy (Pilou Asbæk) time to catch up to the rest of his family. A bloody battle ensues in which a pile of red shirts get killed as well as a couple of Ellaria’s (Indira Varma) daughters. Euron manages to take Yara (Gemma Whelan) hostage, and, when Theon (Alfie Allen) sees, he freaks the fuck out and resorts back to being Reek before jumping ship. While Yara will probably, at some point, chew him out for this, it is likely the only thing that saved her life.
Oh, and along with Ellaria, Euron now has some booty to take back to Cersei next week in Game of Thrones.
Now, speaking of Team Cersei, besides Euron, she hasn’t really gotten many on her side. While Jaime does a pretty good job of convincing Samwell Tarly’s dad to join their team, Cersei has nothing other than, “The Dothraki’s are heathens and Daenerys is the mad king’s daughter.”
Buuuuut, she does have a secret weapon up her sleeve. Apparently they have built a crossbow big enough to pierce the skull of a dragon. Now, if Cersei could kill some dragons, she just might be able to drum up a few more people to join her army. Probably not, but that’s what mad Cersei is likely thinking.
- Now, Sam seems to be discovering everything in all those books that the Maesters don’t seem to be reading anymore. Not only has he discovered a secret stash of dragonglass, but he has also found a cure for greyscale. Which is lucky for Jorah who has suddenly gotten a raging case of the disease. Even though it started out super slow, Jorah gets the prognosis he has only six short months until he will be devoured by the disease. Samwell find a cure in record time, and, even though the Maesters say the treatment is forbidden, Sam gives it a go anyway. If you don’t like to see pus and gross shit, now is not the time to be watching Game of Thrones because Sam starts scraping that shit off Jorah in order to remove the greyscale before using an ointment to prevent it returning.
- Yara and Ellaria flirting. While this bit was awesome, inviting Theon to fuck his sister was not.
- Nymeria! Yes, you read that right, Nymeria finally turns up in Game of Thrones. Unfortunately she didn’t bring Gendry (Joe Dempsie) with her, but at least we got to find out what happened to her. So does Arya Stark, who nearly has her horse taken by Nymeria’s wolfpack until Arya recognises the direwolf and talks her down. Speaking of Arya, she also finds out Winterfell is back in Stark hands, and — just like that — Cersei is safe from her. For now.
- Littlefinger continues to creep. Now that he is home alone with Sansa, hopefully she’ll release the hounds on him.
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
1 out of 5 for Tits. Now, I know last week I was complaining there weren’t any boobies in the premiere episode of Game of Thrones. However, in Episode 2, HBO delivered. Having Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) and Greyworm (Jacob Anderson) try to get it on without all the proper equipment was kind of awkward and endearing all wrapped up into one. Which it totally should be with this couple.
1 out of 5 for Dragons. The dragons were there, but the most impressive moment was when Cersei shot an old dragon skull. So, yeah, HBO, you’d better get cracking with that CGI budget.
What did you think of Episode 2 of Game of Thrones Season 7? Let us know your thoughts and theories by commenting below.
Season 7 of HBO’s Game of Thrones will return on Sunday, July 30, with Episode 3, titled “The Queen’s Justice.”
The official synopsis for this episode is below.
“Daenerys holds court. Tyrion backchannels. Cersei returns a gift. Jaime learns from his mistakes.”
[Featured image via Helen Sloan/HBO]