So, here’s what went down in Episode 4 of HBO’s Game of Thrones Season 7.
This is probably the last week Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) can be all smug as shit about paying her debts. I figure once Jaime arrives home and lets her in on Olenna’s secret, she will have a big slice of Fuck You pie to get through.
Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is tasked with getting all of Highgarden’s gold back to Braavos and there is just enough mentions of how Braavos will be impressed with the Lannisters so long as the gold arrives, that you know already shit is about to go sideways.
Meanwhile, at Dragonstone, Jon Snow (Kit Harington) is under even more pressure to bend at the knee for Daenerys (Emilia Clarke). However, he conveniently finds a cavern while mining for dragonglass that shows the Children of the forest fighting the white walkers. These drawings are not enough though (and, let’s face it, whose to say Jon isn’t just a fledgling artist anyway?), Jon will have to. Bend. At. The. Knee.
Daenerys is getting sick of everyone telling her not to burn shit to the ground and acts like the child Jon called her not that long ago, so heads off to fight her own battles now she has lost half her army. She takes the Dothraki with her, you know, so it looks like a fair fight on the ground.
But, before we get to that, let’s take a look at what’s happening in the North while Jon is away.
Meanwhile, in Winterfell
Now, who wants a heartwarming Stark reunion?
I know right? We have waiting so long for this. Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) finally returns to Winterfell and it is everything you expect. Even if the stupid guards have no idea who she is.
Not only does Arya get to catch up with her sister (but just don’t ask her who’s on the list, alright Sansa?), but there is a two-for-one deal going on tearjerkers in Westeros this week. Arya also gets to catch up with Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright). Now, Bran is still all Three-Eye Raven weird but it doesn’t creep Arya out as much as it does Sansa.
Speaking of Bran, he is getting a visit from Meera (Ellie Kendrick) who was likely expecting something more than, “Thanks” before she leaves to return to her family.
He also gets a visit from Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) who is hedging his bets and sucking up to every Stark her can get close to. Petyr offers Bran the knife that was once used in the foiled attempt on his life back in Season 1 of Game of Thrones. As Bran points out to Arya later, what exactly is a cripple supposed to do with a Valyrian steel dagger? Although, he does manage to creep Littlefinger the fuck out by returning the phrase, “Chaos is a ladder,” that Petyr once used in a private conversation with Varys (Conleth Hill).
So, about that fiery battle of dragon goodness then? If you have been waiting for a CGI dragon spectacular, then sit your ass down now and get ready to be amazed.
Jaime and Bronn hear the Dothraki arriving well before they can see them crest the hill. It gives them plenty of time to get their shield wall ready.
But, of course, shield walls are shit against the likes of dragons. While the Dothraki approach, all loud and cocky, Daenerys flies overhead and scares the absolute shit out of everyone there. So, let’s just say, when she fried that army, I would not like to be Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) as he stood on that hill and watched down on that burning pile of shitty pants.
To be fair, Daenerys only burns a percentage of the Lannister army, then let’s the Dothraki have a play, so the Lannisters at least feel like they contributed to their own downfall.
In the midst of all this, Jaime sends Bronn off to ready the dragon-killing crossbow. While, miraculously, Bronn makes it through the crowd, he is no good with the first shot. It does, however, come close enough for Daenerys to check out what she has to contend with. But, rather than burn that crossbow to the ground, she takes more of the Lannister army instead.
Obviously this gives Bronn enough time to load the crossbow again and actually hit Drogon with it this time.
So, should Cersei really be as smug as she is about this weapon?
Drogon still puts up a fight though and manages to fry the machine like he should have earlier.
As Daenerys is trying to pull the bolt out of her dragon, Jaime sees his chance and runs at them. Of course the dragon sees him coming and roars out a fire ball. Jaime, however, is knocked into the water at the last second and viewers will have to wait until next week’s episode of Game of Thrones to find out if he survives long enough to tell Cersei Olenna killed their son.
- Littlefinger creeping. Every week we see him skulking around Winterfell. Now that Arya is home, can she just add him to her list and take him out already?
- So, Jon Snow found dragonglass in that big massive cave everyone has been walking past all season? Does this feel like the huge stash of wildfire no one knew about all over again?
- Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) returns to Dragonstone. Jon does that broody thing he does so well, whereas Theon is all, “Wassup.”
- “Here’s little Stark girl, sit down here and don’t move now that we have brought you inside the place you wanted to enter and we wouldn’t allow…” Yeah, like that was always going to work. *rolls eyes*
- Now, was it just me, or did Jaime luck out by falling into the deepest part of the river in all of Westeros? Or, did HBO accidentally show the opening credits for History Channel’s Vikings?
- Arya and Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) have a fight and I am pretty sure Pod (Daniel Portman) has put it into his spank tank for later.
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
0 out of 5 for Tits. There was nary a boob or a butt present in Episode 4 of Game of Thrones Season 7, but that’s okay, for once because: dragons.
5 out of 5 for Dragons. This episode is the shortest so far in Season 7, but that’s okay because HBO obviously blew out their CGI budget thanks to the massive battle between Jaime and Daenerys and it is so good that no one even cares anymore about boobies because: motherfucking fire-breathing dragons!
What did you think of Episode 4 of Game of Thrones Season 7? Let us know your thoughts and theories by commenting below.
Season 7 of HBO’s Game of Thrones will return on Sunday, August 13 with Episode 5.
There is no official synopsis or title yet, but you can view the trailer for Episode 5 of Game of Thrones Season 7 below.
[Featured image via Macall B. Polay/HBO]