King Alfred Has A Really Busy Day
While King Alfred’s (Ferdia Walsh-Peelo) mother, Judith (Jennie Jacques), has organised a bride for him, poor Alfred hasn’t got a lot of time for romance on account of Bishop Heahmund (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) turning up with a band of Vikings in tow.
So, while King Alfred busies himself with whether or not the Vikings have a legitimate claim to land in Wessex or not, poor Princess Elsewith (Roisin Murphy) is being completely overwhelmed by the swath of Viking brawn on display. In particular, she finds Bjorn Ironside (Alexander Ludwig) particularly delectable. Bjorn, being the eternal manwhore responds as to be expected and the pair ends up in bed together.
While all this is going on, King Alfred is having to decide what the hell to do with the damn Vikings. Heahmund vouches for them, well, mainly just Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick). And, while King Alfred would like to honour his grandfather’s fake deal with Ragnar (Travis Fimmel), he is in a sticky situation because the Vikings are so, well, heathen.
So, to rectify the situation, Alfred tells the Vikings that they must prove their worth to him and join with him against their fellow Norsemen who are still attacking England like it is going out of style. He also takes Ubbe (Jordan Patrick Smith) aside and tries to convince him that a baptism would also help to grease the way as far as their claim goes. Ubbe isn’t really sure how he feels about this and has to think about it.
Heahmund Is Too Christian For The Pagans And Too Pagan For Christians
While the Vikings are trying to claim their land, Heahmund is also trying to reclaim his title. Since everyone thought the bishop had been killed, they put a new guy in charge. Lord Cuthred (Jonathan Delaney Tynan) seems like the kind of yes man that any normal king would like in the position. However, Alfred is not really in tight with the Church so would rather see Heahmund back as Bishop of Sherborne. But, there isn’t a great deal that he can do to get things changed now that Heahmund is tainted with fighting with the heathens under Ivar the Boneless (Alex Hogh Andersen).
Heahmund decides to pay Lord Cuthred a visit and, in between threatening the new bishop, discovers that there is a plot afoot against King Alfred. He says as much to Lagertha when he returns but they quickly set about “making the beast with two backs” and hardly notice that they are being spied upon.
Which means that Heahmund’s fornication gets straight back to Lord Cuthred. Being completely stupid, Cuthred sends Heahmund a letter explaining what has been seen and how this is now officially a way to blackmail him.
Heahmund responds by killing Lord Cuthred.
Ivar Proves That Even Though He Is Boneless, He Can Still Think With The Wrong Head
Ivar announces that he is marrying Freydis (Alicia Agneson) and King Harald Finehair (Peter Franzen) gets his knickers in a knot because he is worried Ivar is trying to produce an heir in order to keep Kattegat all to himself.
Hvitserk (Marco Ilso) and Margrethe (Ida Marie Nielsen) point out that Ivar is called “Boneless” for a reason that has nothing to do with his legs and Harald goes back to chillaxing.
Freydis is also not concerned about Ivar’s impotency and sets about convincing Ivar that he is a god and, therefore, anything is possible.
She backs this claim up by getting pregnant. However, she forgets to mention to Ivar the fact that she has been boning some guy on the side in order to claim this “immaculate” conception.
Ivar totally falls for her bullshit.
Margrethe Continues To Be Crazy
Margrethe, in between bouts of continued insanity tells Hvitserk to kill Ivar before he kills her first.
Not sure what Hvitserk really makes of this. However, after this encounter and the fact that Ivar has a dream about Margrethe stabbing him, Margrethe winds up dead.
Thus, poor Margrethe continues to prove the trope in Vikings that all released slaves end up in a worse situation as free people than they did during their enslaved lives.
So, perhaps Freydis ought to heed Margrethe’s fate as a cautionary tale.
Iceland: Does Anyone Even Care What Happens There?
In Iceland, Floki (Gustaf Skarsgard) is grappling with his own notion of insanity after things continue to get worse for his new community.
Eyvind (Kris Holden-Ried) is still complaining about how shit everything is. On top of that, the crops have failed and even Aud (Leah McNamara) seems lost for words over Floki questioning his faith.
What did you think of Episode 12, of History Channel’s Vikings Season 5? Let us know by commenting below!
Vikings returns on Wednesday, December 12, at 9 p.m. ET/PT. History Channel provides the following synopsis for Episode 13 (titled “A New God”).
“Heahmund must try to convince King Alfred that his actions are in defense of the Crown. Ubbe and Torvi strengthen the position of the Vikings but not all in the Viking camp support their strategy. Another settler disappears in Iceland”
You can purchase episodes of Season 5 of Vikings here. Season 4, Volume 2 (Episodes 11-20) of History Channel’s Vikings is now available for purchase here. Volume 1 (Episodes 1-10) is available here. (These are affiliate links.)
Also, if you have watched tonight’s episode and are missing the old tales of Lagertha and Ragnar, why not check out my current series, Vikings Secrets. This is a fictional retelling of the classic Viking sagas surrounding Ragnar and the women who loved him.
You can find out more about this exciting series here.
[Featured Image by Jonathan Hession / History Channel]